Spattergroans
by Midsummernightsfantasy
Summary: Why exactly is James going out with Myrtle? And Sirius has what? Oh dear, if only Lily knew what goes on with boys when she's not around. James had better find a way to get back at Padfoot soon.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters mentioned. If I did, the stories would probably just be useless drabbles during the Marauders era.**

* * *

James had had it with his friends, especially Sirius. Oh that Sirius. Once he got his hands on him, he would cut him into little pieces and feed him to Moony on the next full moon. Remus might get indigestion from eating Sirius but that could be dealt with later. Right now, he had other problems to fix.

Currently he was stuck in the girl's bathroom and that wasn't even his problem. His problem was the ghost floating in front of him, looking at him expectantly. He had always been squeamish about breaking dates with girls. But this one was especially hard considering that this particular girl had the option of haunting him for the rest of his life. Oh man Sirius was so going to get it.

'Uh… Myrtle?'

'Yes James'

'I.. er.. I realise what Sirius told you but you see I can't go on that date with you. I mean I would love to, but um.. but I can't because Sirius is in love with you! Yes, he's mad about you. Oh Myrtle I couldn't possibly go out with you. I can't do this to my best friend.'

'Oh well', said Myrtle, 'I always thought that he had a thing for me.'

If James didn't know better, he could have sworn she was blushing.

'Well yeah, so I think you better go ask him out.'

'Oooh, yes, but wait, why didn't he do so in the first place?'

'Well, you know, he's so shy. I think you should ask him out in the great hall during breakfast. I know for a fact that he'd love it,' James was positively tap dancing in glee inside his head at the thought.

'Ah, that's a good idea. I'll do that tomorrow morning.'

'Yes, you shouldn't wait. You know because none of us know how long he'll be with us really.'

'Huh? What do you mean by that?'

'Oh you don't know do you?' said James, a plan forming in his head. 'Of course you wouldn't know. He tries to keep it hidden,' he said trying very hard to look tragedy stricken.

'What? What does he keep hidden?'

'He, he has a fatal case of spattergroit.'

'WHAT?'

'Yes and he keeps it hidden with make-up. Oh the poor boy, the lengths he has to go through every morning to keep his condition away from the public eye. We tried so hard to find a cure for him but nothing worked. All we can do now is pray. But promise that you will still see him, because if you don't, then he'll…he'll..,' James had to stop at this point because he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to hold back his laughter if he continued.

'Oh no no, that poor boy. Don't worry. I'll comfort him. Oh dear this might just be worse than my death. Oh, oh,' cried Myrtle

James, sensing one her famous crying sessions coming on hastened in his quest to escape. 'Yes well I have to go. Time for Sirius' medicine. I guess I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast?'

He turned to Myrtle for confirmation but realised that she was a bit busy clearing out her tear ducts.

'Um, well… yeah, I'll just get going then…'

* * *

'Well mate, where are you taking dear Myrtle for your date? I heard Madam Puddifoot's is very nice and cosy.' Sirius said the moment James entered the common room.

'Yes, yes, make fun all you want but remember, I won't forget this anytime soon.'

'Oh, I'm so scared. Mate, you should be worried about what Evans would say. Ditching her for a whining ghost. How will she ever survive this betrayal?'

"Well you shouldn't be too worried. I found you a bird while I was at it.'

'Oh dear prongs, this is your way of saying thank you isn't it? I knew you wanted to go out with the ghost.'

'Oh yes, It's a thank you all right,' said James suspiciously cackling to himself. Fortunately Sirius was too busy laughing at him to notice.

* * *

The great hall was teeming with people trying to stuff their faces while simultaneously trying to finish their homework for the next class, when suddenly a hush fell over everyone. A floating, moaning figure, rarely seen outside certain bathrooms was coming toward the hall.

'Sirius, oh Sirius, I knew you loved me. I don't care about the blisters on your arse. I will still go out with you.'

The terrified look on Sirius' face and the resonating sound of laughter throughout the hall was revenge enough for James.

For now.


End file.
